When Your Support Bra Don't Support You

​Frankly, I am feeling a bit hormonal.  Perhaps it's Mother Nature reminding me that her rude ass is going to be here very soon.  Unfortunately, I've been going through PMDD for years.  Imagine PMS leveling up to Gill from the boss battle in Street Fighter III.  Fuck you PMDD.

I just started half marathon and obstacle course race training a few Saturdays ago and it always feel like my body is bloating to the size of Texas.  Unfortunately, this includes my beloved project door knockers that sit up slightly higher these days thanks to strength training.  

Frankly, I'm not as large as some women but my 38Ds like to pretend that they're F cups sometimes and I'm over it fairly quickly.  I went to the gym last week wondering why I felt like my breasts were auditioning for Fight Club as I was doing my plyo workout.  Around the 40 minute mark, I made one wrong turn and I could hear the tear of my neon bra.  My bra suddenly went into ICU and because I had the damn thing for so long, I wasn't going to be frugal enough to repair it.  

I heard and know some women who wear two, sometimes three bras when going to the gym.  What's a girl to do to save herself from the boobie pain?  Here's some tips below:
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1. What is your actual bra size?  This is really not a stupid question.  Do you actually wear your proper bra size?  I remember walking into a Lane Bryant prior to my weight loss journey and I questioned my sales rep about the cute bras that were available in store.  She took two good looks at me and demanded that I take off my shirt in the fitting room.  "Ah HA!  You're wearing the wrong size, love muffin."  I thought in my head that she was out of her damn mind but after five minutes of being measured and trying on a bra sample, she was my best shopping companion.  I was just pissed to know that I was wearing a size and cup too large.  Shut up.  I'm a tomboy.
2. ​Seriously, you didn't think you could wear a regular schemuglar bra to work out in?  For Christ sakes, buy a goddamn sports bra.  I get it.  They cost dollars that you don't feel like investing into at the moment because you'd prefer to put it towards Victoria's Secret.  But guess what darling?  Your tetas are going to be pissed off AND when you start seeing those chafing marks from your underwire, don't say that I didn't warn you.
3. They don't make bras in my size.  Ahem, bullshit.  It's all about where you go to look.  I swear by my Old Navy bra when I'm doing my typical pole dancing routine but my Torrid bra seriously was a killer MVP during two of my half marathons.  Again, I'm a 38D and my breasts sit up pretty happy without support.
4. Chile bye.  They don't make my cup.  Again, where are you looking?  Try Enell.com for a seriously supportive bra and even your Lane Bryant.  Personally, I wasn't much of a fan of the Lane Bryant sports bras because I had several bad experiences where it cut into my skin but I have other friends who swear by their collection.  Thanks to Roz the Diva, the incredible plus size pole dancer and personal trainer, I learned about Enell sports bras.
5. My nipples are happy and I think my breasts worked out harder than my body.  Gurl…maybe you need the bras with the molded cup inside or a bit of padding.  No, I’m not suggesting you to have bigger boobs but it will stop your nipples from trying to break into the club.  If your breasts are sore, then you should check the size, question if you need more support, if the bra hook is too loose or too tight or has it been there for more than six months.  Know when to let that bitch go.
6. My breasts like to play jump rope with my chin and I think it’s going to do a Janet Jackson. Pump yo breaks!  Get another bra.  Probably not your size or maybe that bad boy isn’t designed for your body type.  Everything ain’t for everybody and this is not about body shaming.  Get it right for your body type.  When in doubt, fold your body in half and see if your girls will fall out.
7. It was on the clearance rack.  3.00 boo!  Ha, may have been 3.00 for a reason.  I’d ask for my pesos back if it’s not doing its job. 
8. The straps are digging into my skin.  Take it round back and kill it.  If adjusting the straps don’t help, please stop.  Bruising your skin in the name of fitness on your shoulders are not war scars; it’s a poor bra.  Send it out to the garbage grave.
9. My bra does a better job of holding on than Rose did with Jack in the Titanic.  No.  Just no.  If you have to fight to the death to take off your bra, you already lost.  You might as well be Jack and drown in the ocean but it’s your sweat, funk and dignity.  Get a pair of scissors, cut it off and buy a new damn bra.