Speaking 100K Races Into Existence

I'm convinced that endurance runners are absolutely nuts--who gets off on running for miles in the most absurd of conditions for personal bliss or at moments of vanity, a goddamn medal?

Sometimes I think I need to get evaluated for my sensory overload and ability to test the waters on things people tell me I'm not capable of doing.  Perhaps it's my ego trying to tap into a level of arrogance that I was scared to embrace years ago or my constant semi-unhealthy relationship with remaining humble from a strange fear of forgetting my past.  No amount of medals on the wall can compensate years of self inflicted damage and I came to this reality years ago.  Conversely, through my shortcomings and ability to stop blocking my own blessings, I'm learning how to embrace opportunities as they are presented to me.

Photo Courtesy: Bryan Derballa for Huck x HOKA One One Campaign

Reeling back to my feature with Huck x HOKA One One, I kept asking if I was in a great dream; at times I battled my internal voices, wondering if someone else was worthy of this spot.  I love the courageous woman that I am and looking forward to the person that I'm destined to be.  Weeks prior to the release, I met with some of the dope people behind HOKA One One in Midtown thanks to an invite.  While discussing my future goals, I mentioned this crazy 100K that my friend did some years ago in Fountain Hills, AZ-- Aravaipa Running's Javalina Jundred. 

When reviewing my equally insane running partner in crime's book - Mirna Valerio - I thought she was absolutely nuts.  Who the hell runs 100K in the Arizona heat?  Of course, slightly judging and questioning her sanity, I continue to engulf myself into her journey.  By the end of the book, 10 percent of me pictured myself in her shoes, running this cactus and scorpion laced race. 

Ungoddamnbelievable. 

Literally the first words that came out of my mouth reading this book last year.  Subsequently, thoughts ranged from questioning if my mere 60K - the audacity of me to downplay 37.2 miles - even made me an ultra runner to realizing that I actually KNOW this person; she's a plus size woman of color from Bushwick that I can actually call on the phone.  Didn't I desire having someone that I could relate to this sort of insanity in 2014 at the beginning of my running journey?  Despite opportunities presenting itself and features on different platforms, I told myself it wouldn't happen because of race costs, travel and my real life requires me to be a parent and an emotionally checked in wife.  

Fast forwarding back to the Hoka One One meet up, I met with Martha and Alex-- two people who would back slap my dreams into formation.  In midpoint of my ramble about taking on more ultra marathons this year, Martha interjected:
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You know we [HOKA One One] sponsor this race, right.  Are you really interested in taking on the Javelina Jundred 100K?

In my mind, my heart was doing a 5:30 pace on the treadmill and I was seeking oxygen and cookies.  Although semi contained, I went against my fears and expressed my interest.  As a woman of her word, I find myself today two hours later, registered for the Javelina Jundred 100K, literally less than three days away from my first trail ultra marathon of the year--and I haven't told my own mother yet.

When I hit the button on the screen and received my confirmation from Ultrasignup, I felt my body lock up in excitement.  Surprisingly, I wasn't as scared as I thought I would be.  The air filled with an ominous silence and I took two minutes to take it all in before hitting the share button on Facebook.  And before I knew it, I saw the same vision as I saw months ago in my head--I can see myself finishing this ultra marathon.  

As a ridiculous planner and a person who is coming to terms with my extreme personality, I wrote out the 100K plan a month ago, along with a string of ultra running race plans that tailored both my imagination and freelancing schedule.  I found ways to balance my family life, existing major enrolled events to align with my training at that moment and this year's planned travel into my schedule.  Because I've done 8 marathons and 2 ultras thus far, I know firsthand that it's easy to lose contact with people. 
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But Will You Die?
Fears that accompany endurance running

Although I am being a delusional optimistic at the moment, I fear the drift between me and my loved ones as it gets closer to race day.  It's crazy to think that I'm going to take on 62.3 miles, yet this is what I'm worried most about.  Without a fellow ultra runner along my side at the brink of the training, I worry about my pseudo introverted ways invading my very extroverted self.  Marathon training, most times, feels like an illusive sport to many.  While many admire my journey, I know from years of embarking on these journeys that this road is one that can be mostly ventured alone. 

Fortunately, I have been blessed with allies who will run with me for portions or full parts of the journey.  But there are times where my own worries kick in.  I fear asking for help, which is why gaining an entry into this race is still a shock.  There are times where I selfishly don't desire to run with other people because I need my solitude or don't want to feel pressured into running the same pace. 

Running reveals your strengths and shortcomings seven days a week--especially on your rest days.  I learned more about my pet peeves, nervous ticks and growth just by listening to my breath for hours.  If you never tried it in your fitness endeavors, dare yourself to turn off the music and listen to the thoughts that surface during your highs and lows.  Don't overthink them at that moment--just allow them to flow organically.  When it's all done, give yourself permission to ask why these thoughts came into fruition.  On days that I'm not sorting through my food shopping list or itinerary of things to do, I live in my brain and let my inside thoughts have a conversation with my heart.

Do You Have Semi Irrational Thoughts or Fears?

This weekend, I will be doing The North Face Endurance Challenge DC 50K on Saturday and 10K on Sunday in Sterling, VA.  Do I feel ready?  Absolutely not.  Others are confident in my mind and body but this series introduced me to my first DNF last year.  Somehow I allowed Mirna to convince me that going harder would be a good idea.  

I question how I'll feel in a few days if I don't make it to cutoff on this course.  Will I feel like a failure?  I wonder if I'll be greeted by a posse full of snakes that will give me a dap on the course--the temperature aren't supposed to be that high over the weekend.  If I have these fears about the 50K, what the hell will I meet on the Javelina Jundred course?  Snakes with switchblades?  Cactus waiting to touch my Brooklyn booty to introduce me to the Arizona desert gang?  Some crazy ass spider that will ask me to show him identification at mile 60?  Or wait, the scorpions who will tell me that it's Scorpio season and they like everyone else in the zodiac except the Gemini crew?  Ugh.  Fuck my imagination.  

Logical fears resonate in making love to the stair master at least twice a week or calling the bridges my boo thang on a regular basis--aside from traveling uptown, I don't have much options for hill training.  Making the trek to 242nd Street, hitting the Van Cortlandt trails and smelling the Bronx air at least once a week will become a regular occurrence--for those who are lost on this, Brooklyn, Harlem and the Bronx have a ridiculous fake beef since the beginning of time.  I will have to be creative in searching for other trails in dirty Jersey whenever Van Cortlandt, short areas of Central Park or Prospect Park bore me.  When I travel, I'll have to add unknown places into my research and pray that I'm not the person who falls in old school horror film from my daunting imagination running in a forest. 

What if my son and family members think I'm too self absorbed because I chose my running over fun plans?  Statistically speaking, most ultra marathoners make their first attempt at age 36; some at 40 years old and a decent portion around 50--I will be 33 and completed my first at 30.  Will I have insane looking joints by 40?  These too, I fear.

Since 2013, I've been chasing fears by jumping out of perfectly good airplanes because I didn't like small spaces, hovering over the air or heights.  I managed to learn how to ride a bike and tested my skills in places like Atlantic Avenue, Broadway and Midtown traffic just to make myself get better.  Most recently, I signed up for a goddamn triathlon and I am JUST getting comfortable putting my head into the water for a while without panicking too much--and no, I still don't know how to swim proficiently.  

Did I forget to mention that my body likes to remind me that it's broken?  I'm a plus size semi-disabled athlete with dreams larger than an all you can eat Texas barbecue.  My endometriosis and sciatica pain flared up last week during my half marathon.  I resorted to walking parts of the way.  Can I do that for 62.3 miles?  To be frank--my menstrual is due on the day before my race this weekend and I'll possibly be in pain.  Calculations tell me that during my Chicago Marathon or this Javelina Jundred 100K, I'll be meeting this red devil--one of those fears that guys don't have to worry about. 

...And You're Sure You're Going to Commit to This?

I have every reason in the world to back down from this, embarrass myself with the crew at HOKA One One who broke their neck to help this Brooklyn girl get into this race--but I refuse.  In the most non-cheesy way possible, I want to dedicate this race to people who are scared of dreaming too big, just like me.  If I can do this for the children who will not know my name even after the date has passed, this is an accomplishment beyond my feet touching dirt that exist further than the NYC streets.  I spent my morning explaining the reasons why I want my son to be better than me and why I don't want him to make decisions like dropping out of high school because of a lack of gym credits.  I've been looking for redemption for almost 16 years--my legs are the salvation to forgiving myself for giving up on me before I knew I was possible.  So yeah, fuck it--here's my hybrid triathlon/100K training schedule for the New Jersey State Triathlon/Javelina Jundred.  I'll see y'all at the finish line whether I make it across or not--and I might wear a fucking costume while I'm at it because I feel like it.