Running Sucks Ass

So boom.  Picture this:  

​It's 9:40PM.  You set out your running clothes after taking a long, hot and therapeutic shower.  There's four obnoxious alarms set on your phone and you strategically place your phone across the room because it forces you to get up.  Light out.  Night light on because you're a pussy.  Judgments are welcome.  I don't like being in the dark unless I have the cuddle buddy with the Warmth Pak 2000 and an occasional involuntary sleep boner.  

It's 4:05AM now.  Still dark outside.  You look at the clock and tell yourself to set another alarm.  You just need 10 minutes times 3.  

It's 4:35AM.  Fuck.  You have to get up because your body likes to take a poop every morning at the same time and it's the only effective alarm clock in the house to get you off your ass. While on the toilet, you think of how much you are going to feel better once you go for that run outside.  Immediately, you glance at the scale sitting in a dark, suspicious corner of your bathroom whispering taunting, asinine comments of how you need to reevaluate your life.  

Around 5AM.  You're dressed.  May have grabbed a light snack to munch on.  Grabbed your phone for selfie and Nike + Running App sake.  Go back up the stairs because you need your keys.  Close the door to your house.  Stand outside for two minutes.  Breathe in the beautiful morning air.  You beat the sunrise.  Stretch a little.  Turn right the hell back around.  Lock your door.  Get ice cream and cookies.  Fuck it.  I'll go tomorrow.  Drown yourself in a delicious pool of Dulce De Leche.  You rinse, wash and repeat this cycle for a week.  

​Guess what?  You're still a runner.

Some folks in my life think that I am this zen like runner who occasionally totes around a deer knife waiting for someone to try it.  It's only half true.  The knife part I mean.  I am a futuristic zen runner.  There are weeks where I can run for hours and after it's all done, I want to do 2 hour of hard core strength training at the gym.  Then there's weeks like this one.  I know I have this marathon in like, meh, 9 days, but fuck it.  I don't feel like running this week.  Does this make me lazy?  Maybe.  Do I care that you think I'm lazy?  Absolutely not. 

The reality of it is that if you are an endurance runner (or maybe any type of runner of any kind), you are not a goddamn robot. My phone was charged to 100 percent but my fucks to give this week was at an all time low of -235.  There's a life outside of running and once I gave myself permission to experience it, my running improved.  

I ran over 600 miles this year.  Yup.  Sure did.  I am damn proud of it.  Some of those days were combined with strength and calisthenics work that ranged from 45 minutes to 2 hours long in conjunction with with endurance running.  I was doing pole dancing training for a showcase which was exciting as hell to participate in.  There were plenty of days that I did not want to run and I pushed myself to do it anyway.  But today is not one of them.  This week was NOT one of them.  And that is okay.  

I ate half of New Mexico this week and for the first time in a month, I ran for the ice cream man in knee high boots and a duffel bag.  I went to Checkers eight times this week, two of which I went TWICE, just for the 4 for 4 menu and a side of cheese sauce.  Even had an Oreo ice cream shake.  My scale said I gained 2 lbs.  Officially at 208 lbs.  Yasssss baby.  My home gym is a block away and some of the employees looked shocked that I actually take a day off, let alone seeing me look like a whale toting a handful of cheese fries and junk food under my arm pit in workout clothes that I didn't even sweat out. 

Are you still here with me?  Are you wondering why I am telling you all of this?  Well, it's because some days, running WILL suck.  Some days, you will not want to run.  You will encounter the last part of Forrest Gump's journey and stop.  It doesn't matter if you are doing this for leisure or training for 2 marathons like me.  Some days will make you sit your ass at home and enjoy the Netflix account that bounces your checking account every month because you conveniently forgot about the payment.  You are still a bad ass, slow or fast paced runner.  Take your break.  Enjoy that extra serving of macaroni and cheese.  Take a second nap.  Call a family member that you cursed out during a long run because everything made you want to commit homicide in the last mile.  Hug your child a bit tighter.  Why?  Because you will go back to being a runner on another day.  After all, running doesn't suck every day.  Your mind and just maybe, your body will thank you.  Just remember to come back to us soon. 

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