Love Letters: When "You're One Ugly Nigger"

May 28, 2017



Dear Anonymous Tumblr Admirer:

Like you, I prefer my racism clean, preferably washed in Clorox bleach, pressed to a crisp, served without a toasty blanket.  Cold, poignant and to the point.  I would resort to suggesting you to play around in your parents' worn down sheets with the perfectly cut out holes but technology brought us here today.  

Sir or ma'am, since starting this blog, I received 133 pieces of hate mail to date and this one warms the depths of my asshole just like countless others.  Unfortunately, you're not the lucky one who will have the opportunity to hurt my feelings today. I think you should take notes from some of the prior offenders.  In turn, I wanted to help you attack my ego just a bit.

The most successful offenders to date used statistics, dug up alternative facts and sprinkled convoluted research in attempts of making me feel inadequate.  You see, if you resorted to using a simple Google search for the word nigger, you could see the statistics of the incline of the usage of such term.  Frankly, if you have done any decent research about me, you had a better chance of making me cringe by my favorite terms like porch monkey, spook and my all time favorites:  Eggplant and Darkie.  The word nigger is played the fuck out like cheesy oversized gold chains and mom jeans but you're trying to bring it back, right?

Anonymous, you are a basic bitch who had nothing better to do on your lunch hour, assuming you have a job, but to write me a heavy hitter one liner while eating a pathetic bologna and cheese sandwich with the stray hairs still intact.  Calling me a nigger is one thing but UGLY... the nerve of you.  Fine, I will let you have it because beauty thrives off of the eye of the beholder.  But please, let me educate you on a small fraction of a host of people who have been called an ugly nigger: 
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• Sojourner Truth
• Oprah Winfrey
• Whoopi Goldberg
• Barack Obama
• Langston Hughes
• Amiri Baraka
• Muhammad Ali
• Crispus Attucks

• Assata Shakur
• Malcolm X
• Martin Luther King, Jr
• Stevie Wonder
• Harriet Tubman
• Jean-Michel Basquiat
• Zora Neale Hurston
• Maya Angelou

• Nikki Giovanni
• Toni Morrison
• Rosa Parks
• Ida B. Wells
• Anna Tibaijuka
• Wilma Rudolph
• Alexander Thomas Augusta
• James Gardner

He or she wrote the comment so quickly, they forgot to mention their name.

When you took the time to write me this lackluster statement, you unknowingly added me to the list of some of the greatest who walked this earth.  So as the millennial African American children who adore such coon terms as you, "Nigga, I made it!"  Thank you for reminding me that breathing pisses folks like you off in the morning as you struggle to make yourself climax but your hands went on strike.  Thank you for KEEPING me relevant.  Thank you for thinking about me in your dreams, fucking up your REM sleep and even while you take a shit because baby, obviously I was that important.  What kind of ugly nigger would I be if I didn't respond to my fans.  Whilst some of my ancestors chose to turn the other cheek, I will proverbially knock you the fuck out.  Unfortunately, there's not much that we can do behind computer screens and if you're fortunate, a fully functioning phone that doesn't require for you to steal someone else's Wi-Fi.  

In short, the next time that you try to come for me, hoping to fuck up my emotions, know that before you, there were many who walked your path and failed.  I deep throated insults like you since 1985 and like the cheap one night stand that you are, I will leave the pennies at the nightstand for whores like you.  Make sure you clean yourself up on the way out.  I'll replace your basic, irrelevant ass with another troll in a few days.  Maybe they'll be kind enough to leave their name.

Sincerely,

An ugly nigger name Latoya

P.S.  I'm glad that you didn't call me a FAT ugly nigger because that one is getting old too.  Perhaps you did do your research.  Hit the theme music on your way out.