Close to Goal Weight & Hated It

Here's my happy weight. I was 180 lbs. I am looking to get back into this range with more muscles.

​​It's easy to get caught up on these thoughts of following through with a perfect workout regimen and eating super clean, especially when you have a goal weight in mind.  Realistically, people will try and try again to get these two factors to work in harmony.  In my own fitness journey, it took over 6 attempts to finally get them to work.  I tried Slim Fast, 3 Day Diet, too greedy for Atkins, was and still anti diet pills, was willing to work out for two weeks and then decided against it.  Any diet craze that hit the market, at the very least, I thought about it.  

In May 2013, I decided to give myself a real fighting chance thanks to a wake up call.  My career, livelihood and happiness depended on it.  I created this visual board, placed it in my shared home office space and looked at it daily with my workout regimen.  I opted against starving myself or eating what people would refer to as rabbit food.  Thanks to technology, I allowed Myfitnesspal to do the hard work for me in factoring my caloric intake, fat and all in between.  Within the first month, I dropped over ten pounds.  The regimen was truly working.  

Shortly after, I went to yoga classes 3 times a week and I felt incredible.  Months later, I started running with Black Girls Run.  By March 2014, I was already 60 lbs. down.  Things were progressing beautifully.  My weight loss wasn't as rapidly as it once did and despite my worries about hitting plateaus, I was going great.  By the time I landed a photo shoot with RedBook Magazine in April, I was 85 lbs. down.  Going from 265 lbs. to 180 lbs. in less than one year was nothing short of amazing.  By summer, my weight was at a stand still and while curious about the sudden stop, I thought I physically looked great.  Most of 2014, I couldn't acknowledge that I was no longer a plus size woman.  Sure, I put on a great front for friends and family who weren't around me on a regular basis.  Unfortunately, my family members and best friends heard the personal insults that I gave myself.  

When I spoke to my doctor, he told me in so many words that if I continued on this way of thinking, he wanted me to talk to a therapist about body dysmorphic disorder.  In simple terms, the image that I saw in the mirror wasn't the same as what was really presented.  By November, I was ten pounds from goal weight.  I should be happy, right?  I was miserable.  
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Here I stood at 165 lbs, finally acknowledging that I wasn't a size 18 - 22 anymore, I didn't like my physical reflection.  Sure, I lost a bunch of weight but I wasn't happy. Here's the basic list that I experienced that you may have heard on other blogs or websites:
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• The weight loss journey is "over":  The biggest lie that you could ever tell yourself
• No more celebrating smaller sizes:  No new goal is the equivalent to no weight loss incentive to some people
• No excuse to buy new clothing on the whim
• I have to eat less now:  Broke my fat girl heart.
• My cheer section is gone.  I hit the goal and now nobody gives a shit anymore.
• "You lost too much weight!  Ugh, you looked so much better before."  
• Am I going to be a scale Nazi?
• Why is everyone curious or pissed that I don't have extra skin.
• I can see all of my stretch marks now.
• "So have you heard that Toya smoked loads of crack and dipped into Lake Minnetonka just to get to that size?"
• Let's ask her all of the questions to weight loss everything.  When I couldn't answer them or they heard all of my feedback, "She is a fucking know it all."  Bruh, I just came over for the food, drinks and company.
• Everyone assumes you're a fitness nut who only focuses on weight loss (unless you are that kind of person).

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I rarely hear about the folks go through the mental struggles.  THIS was my case.  I lost most of my weight in the most common and healthiest ways possible.  I worked out several days a week, balanced meats and smaller portions and kept myself in a decent circle.  Nobody warned me about my mental health.  

In my last two months, I was going through a real life shit storm where it seem like everything I touched sounded like a whomp whomp bitch moment.  This notorious rain cloud followed me everywhere and whenever it could, I could see the middle fingers swirling in my face, calling me a loser.  I was used to being an emotional eater but I never knew what it was like to be so depressed that I didn't want to eat at all.  Around this point, I started my epic journey to being a fully functioning alcoholic (Read Here).  My support group was large and small at the same time.  On the outside, I have all of these people cheering me on but because of perception, folks felt like I didn't need much more than that.  Friends thought that I was too busy to contact and thanks to seasonal depression, I was too busy hiding from them like most people dodge Jehovah Witnesses.  I was scared of cursing people out for no reason.  Too scared to fail.  Too scared to be successful of actually completing my goal of losing weight.  Just scared of everything and not given permission to show "weakness."  

Mental health is the reason why so many people pick up gym memberships and leave them on the wayside like a dad who just says fuck it.  It's why most New Years Resolutions don't make it to month two.  Too many of us exercise the body and whip our diets into shape but neglect the mind.  Our mind is an incredibly strong muscle and if not cared for, it can damage EVERYTHING that we worked so hard for. 

I thought some magical number would now mean this magical banner of an achievement unlocked would pop up above my head.  Instead, I stared at the reflection most days asking myself, why did I allow myself to get so skinny.  Like I have stated in countless blogs before this:  I have no problem with people who desire to be smaller.  It's just not MY goal.  I wanted to be healthier.  I achieved this months ago when I didn't think about it.  Physically, I wanted to look stronger.  I neglected this aspect when my depression kicked in.  It didn't help that I wasn't much into strength training.  
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Welp, I'm Here:  Now What?
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Well, here's some things you can do:

1. Set new short term goals that you desire to attain.
2. If you fail one of your goals, either try it again or revise it.
3. Don't neglect what has been working in a healthy manner.  If you are losing the weight by eating properly, getting adequate rest and training, continue doing what you're doing.
4. If you find yourself in a mental rut, ask yourself what's the bigger problem.  I found that I actually only wanted to be skinnier after a while because I lost sight of my original goals to get healthy, not skinny.
5. FUCK THE NAYSAYERS:  Assholes...everyone has one just like their shitty opinions.  
   
6. Ask yourself what makes YOU happy.  
7. Make your goals, especially weight loss goals, for YOU, not everyone else.  Sometimes, putting people as our motivation can be a setup for failure.  You are applying pressure to yourself to prove a point to them, as well as possibly crucifying that person to the cross when you fall short.  
8. You should be the biggest cheerleader that you know.  When everyone disappears, just keep swimming.  You can never fail you because you are all you have when you're alone.  
9. Buy those clothes and goal focused items.  Take a damn vacation and flaunt that body at any size.  Lost the weight:  Find a new commitment and reward yourself at the finish line.
10. If you happen to have extra skin or stretch marks, kiss those extra curves and love them while they're here.  If you have ways of fixing them in a safe manner, go do it.  If not, thank yourself for kicking ass and taking names on this journey.  You are a goddamn warrior.  Where's your damn cape?
11. LOVE YOURSELF:  Tell yourself that you are worth every moment.  There's nothing wrong with being a little bit selfish, even for five minutes.  If you keep short changing your growth, the weight loss will mean nothing.  Tell yourself that you're beautiful every damn day until you believe it and own it.  Fuck it.  I LOVE YOU _________ because you are worthy of every ounce of breath that you take in.
    

If your mental health is truly in such a negative space, please do not be ashamed to seek outside help.  Know that you are truly not alone and sometimes, this is a life long process.  If you are a person who happened to stumble upon this blog who reached goal weight and not encountering any of these problems, kudos to you as well.  Help empower the next person.  You don't have to work out with someone or buy them fitness clothes.  It can be as simple as telling them that they're special.  Words hold power.