I caught myself slipping in mid-thought as I walked into the gym a few days ago.  Before I get pissed off about the New Year resolution crowd, once upon a time I used to be them.  These days, I'm still baffled about how I became the popular fat kid in the locker room when I grew up in an era that picked those people last.

If you want to bring your dreams into fruition, you have to be willing to fail at such a disgusting degree that it makes you contemplate quitting.  In a ridiculously spoiled society where humans feel so privileged to win at everything, we have to humble ourselves to experiencing or witnessing some of life's shitty offerings.

Assumptions run deep when left with things like social media, cheesy pictures and even adventurous stories like mine.  People will count the coins in your purse before the bill money hits the collectors.  As I beg my lint to keep my pockets company, I do my best to be a BETTER broke balling ultra runner.

The Young and the Dollarless

While people were patting my back for running countless miles over the course of a year, I wondered what my son was learning in school and what stressors were triggering my husband at work.  Although I banter about this unpredicted and very public ultra runner life, I am always wondering about how it impedes on my family members and close friends.

Adventures from Arizona's Javelina Jundred 100K
to the TCS New York City Marathon

Last year, I told myself that the NYRR 60K was my last hurrah and the world was ready to make me a liar.  A heckling spectator, 50+ douche bag messages and an endless list of supporters later, I find myself being a weekend warrior with tan lines, an endless pie of blisters and 88.3 miles covered in three days in ode of change.  Somehow I thought signing up for my first 100K and doing the NYC Marathon a week later was a good idea.

A Year's Reflection From a Viral Heckling and Moving Forward

My fitness journey has grown on such an extraordinary level.  Through running and obstacle course races, I’ve traveled several parts of the United States and even outside of the country.  Since 2013, my friends and family traveled with me less than a handful of times. People expressed an extreme amount of fear for me for a multitude of reasons. And in ways, I cannot say that some of these things are irrational. Reading this post, you may not be able to place yourself into any of these categories -- that’s actually fine.  Perhaps this will help a loved one or even you - a curious reader - understand why I find joy and a bit of hesitance as I travel while under one of these categories. 

Traveling While Woman

After mile 13, the Chicago marathon was a running metaphor of barriers presented throughout my life.  At times, I felt like I couldn't pace fast enough to keep up with the pulled down signage and SAG wagon. Being a back of the pack runner requires a grit that surpasses all of the convenient goodies that typical Google searched articles can provide. When the crowd dissipate and the tables that once housed water and fueling is gone, all you can rely on is your breath, a nervous mind and your training.

Pre Marathon 

Clearly someone talked to that metaphorical person in the sky on my behalf because I actually have a lot of my friends from last year still lingering around.  Every time I delve into hardcore marathon and obstacle course race training around this time, I dig out seven plots to bury thoughts of another friendship or family relationship that's gone to shit.  Summer's still here so I shouldn't speak so soon.

I pack my suitcase at least two weeks in advance just to check it four more times.  Trust myself?  Absolutely not. I can only imagine waking up on race day sporting mixed matched sneakers - both of which are my left foot - and praying to someone's Jesus that jeans and a crop top are suitable for a marathon.

Courtesy: W. Eric Snell of E. Snell Design

At some point, you have to ask yourself if you're doing this for you or for everyone else -- and honestly, there's no shame in either response.  The key is to not allow your goals to consume you into such a dark hole that you cannot see beyond the moment. There's life before, during and after these events.  If your sole reason for participating in a race is to send out the biggest middle finger to the fucker in aisle three for taunting you about your weight, then that's cool; but after it's done, what's next?  Even my Petty LaBelle ass cannot run strictly on arrogance and egotistical moments.

Around mile 15, I truly questioned if I wanted to continue on with this race and if I would make it as a trail runner.  I managed to accidentally kill a baby snake by mile 10, get lost for two hours and the temperature jumped from 72 to 91 degrees within hours.  What did I sign up for?

Just when you thought the asshole in the banana costume passing you during a race as you gasp for air was bad, there's a person like me taking a selfie, doing Instagram stories and Facebook statuses on their phone.  How much is truly too damn much?

Years ago, I never pictured myself traveling to most states on the West Coast of the United States outside of California but I found myself being swayed into going to Colorado.  For months, I wondered if I’d be bored to tears by a state that I envisioned only having country music, snakes and dirt. Thankfully, five years of embracing a fitness journey and my newfound joy in traveling opened up my once judgmental views.

Leaving New York City

I knew the course limit was six hours and my fastest marathon to date was roughly six hours and thirty minutes. Who am I kidding? I’m not going to be able to shave thirty minutes off of my time but am I really in it for the medals anymore?

While some of my runner buddies and fitness enthusiasts are nervous to admit this out loud, I can honestly say that at times, I need a break from running miles on top of miles.  For four years, I find ways to cheat on my loyal sports bae, running, for a dirty adventure with obstacle course racing. I had an incredible opportunity to try an obstacle course race with a different venue--City Challenge Race in Jersey City, NJ.